The Road To Miami Bass: JL historical perspective
Circa 8,000 B.C.: The Tequesta Indians rule South Florida. The are
reportedly partial to drinking wood alcohol, ritualistic dancing
and thong briefs. Bass culture is bom.
1513: Spanish explorer Juan Ponce De Leon, the first European on
the peninsula, claims Florida for Spain. Rumored to take "da
dip" in the fountain of youth. 157ft Things get juicy. Citrus
fruits, Florida's most important [edible] products, are introduced
by Spanish settlers.
1783: Florida's first newspaper, The East Florida gazette, is established
in Saint Augustine (already the continent's oldest European settlement).
Larry King is featured columnist.
1821: Spain cedes Florida to the United States,
although the U.S. Government designates it "a home or shelter
only for beasts or for men little elevated above beasts." Yeah,
and what of it?
1835: Seminole Indians defeated. Indians devise long-term plan
to soak the white man dry economically through regulated gambling.
1853: University of Florida established in Gainesville. First Spring
Break follows eight months later. June 24,
1898: The first of 7,000 U.S. troops arrive in Miami at the start
of the Spanish-American war. They are so impressed with the nonstop
partyatmosphere that one soldier claims "If I owned both Miami
and Hell, I'd rent out Miami and live in Hell."
1915: Carl G. Fischer opens the Dixie Highway, linking Chicago
to Miami and inciting a boom on Fischer's development, Miami Beach.
1920: Florida's first radio station in Miami, Most early radio
consoles not equipped to handle booty music.
1926: One of the first mansions in Miami Beach, Casa Casuarina,
is built. It will eventually be purchased fay rock n' roll fashion
maven Gianni Versace. 20s/30s: Deco style architecture builds up
twenty blocks of the original Miami Beach, now known as South Beach.
1929: First Marx Brothers film The Cocoanuts lampoons Florida land
1949: Florida's first TV station in Miami. Desi Amaz's Peep Show
airs briefly, replaced by Larry King Live when FCC visits. 50s:
Golden era of the bombastic Fountainbleu Hotel, a refugee center
for Jews following the horrors of WWII.
1959: Caslro takes over Cuba. Monied Cubans start to take over
Miami. 1960: Kennedy-Khruschev beef incites Bay Of Pigs, but brings
home no bacon.
1961: First US. manned space flights launched irom Cape Canaveral.
Astronaut Roger Healy, trapped in jeannie bottle, misses flight.
1964: Cassius Clay defeats Sonny Listen in Miami Beach. Beatles
meet Clay the week before. Neither has any influence on the coming
Bass music boom. ALSO: South Beach's Bass Museum opens to the public.
Unfortunately, it just sports a bunch of moldy old oil paintings,
with not one photo of an oversized booty in a thong bikini.
1969: First spacecraft to land men on
Canaveral on July 16. Astronaut Tony Nelson misses flight because
he is dressed like a chicken.
1971: Walt Disney World opens. It's already A Small World, but
it gets smaller when half the wetlands in the slate are paved over
to create Orlando, home ot Theme.
1977: State capital moves to Tallahassee to avoid
Auto sound lobby-ists.1980: Rioting erupts in Miami's black community
due to tensions from Cubar. immigration and the acquittal of four
white cops accused of beating to death a black businessman- First
documented use of the phrase "The cars that go boom."
1981: Gianni Versace opens first U.S. boutique in tony Miami suburb
1982: Afrika Bambaataa and the Soulsonic Force drop "Planet
Rock" on the new [orange] Tommy Boy label. Revolution starts
here. Early-Mid 80s: Euro/Brazilian thong bikinis make first widespread
appearances on Miami Beach. Outrage fuels their popularity and ensures
1984: Miami Vice debuts on national TV, reminding
share of sleaze—if only on Don Johnson's beard. Guests stars
will include Pam Grier md the Fat Boys.
1985: Year One of the Bass era brings arguably the iirst Bass records,
MC ADE's "Bass Mechanic" and "Bass Rock Express."
Almost immediately, 2 Live Crew drop "Throw The 'D'" (recorded
in Riverside, CA), on new partner Luther Campbell's Luke Skyywalkerr
1988: Unofficially, the iirst year fluorescent colors overtake
popularity of pastels in the Florida retail garment industry. 1389:
2 Live Crew drop double-vinyl As Nasty As They Wanna Be. Despite
meaningless "clean" version, the controversy gets even
hotter. Quartet thanks every member of their fan club by name on
back cover. Strangely, Geraldo Riviera and the talk show brigade
are not acknowldeged ior their part. June,
1989: Danny D & D.J. Whiz release "Boom! I Got Your Girlfriend"
as a response to MC Luscious' "Boom! I got your boyrfriend,"innaugurating
one of the best he said/she said rap wars since "Roxanne Roxanne."
1990: Tabloid furor over 2 Live alerts George Lucas, who slams
cease'n'desist suit on Skyywalker records, additional 'y' be damned.
2 Live gives in, but cries not as new Luke Records signs deal with
Atlantic. Springsteen gives group his blessing to release "Banned
In The U.S.A."
1990: Island Records owner Chris Blackwell buys the Marlin Hotel
in South Beach and has it redesigned (adding a recording studio)
by Barbara Hulanicki, The second MBeach boom is on. 1991: Madonna
is photographed (especially when she lets Vanilla Ice touch
her na-nas) in her Sex book. Thong sizes introduces the amazing
breakthrough of level of style.
1992: Versace moves into his South Beach villa, joining neighbors
Madonna and Sly Stallone. Versace couture
1993: Bass music hits a booty-bumping high as 95 South and their
immediate imrmta-tors, Tag Team release "Whoot! There It Is"
and "Whoomp! There It Is" respectively. Media attempts
to incite a feud, but no one gripes—they're all getting paid.
Duice also drops the poorly-spelled but otherwise exemplary "Dazzy
1994: The Artist Formerly Known as Popular buys the
defunct gay nightclub Paragon and turns it into one of his patented
purple-chintz-covered Glam Slams. Less than three years later, he
closes it down and tries to sell it off, without much luck.
1996: Quad City DJs offer to "Come On Ride It (The Train)."
Millions chmb aboard.
1997: The Year Bass Broke! Tony Braxton, Luciano Pavarotti, and
other chart topping artists release Miami Bass influenced tracks
to widespread rump-shaking acceptance.
RESEARCHED AND DISTORTED BY D. CATALANO,
L. DESMAN, M. DIAMOND, E. GLADSTONE.